When Institutions Like Churches Enable Abusers
The Psychology of Narcissistic Manipulation and “Flying Monkeys”
Imagine this: A woman escapes years of emotional & physical abuse from her drug-addicted/alcoholic husband, only to have their shared church community—supposedly a place of refuge and moral guidance—side with the abuser. They protect him, perhaps offering “forgiveness” or “redemption” for his addiction, while dismissing her evidence of gaslighting, blame-shifting, and control. Worse, they call the police on her when she seeks help, labeling her as the “unstable” one.
This isn’t just a failure of empathy; it’s a classic case of narcissistic abuse extending its reach through recruited allies, known in psychology as “flying monkeys.” It’s a devastating dynamic where the abuser paints himself as the victim, manipulating others to continue the harm long after the direct relationship ends.
The Psychology of Abuse in This Scenario
Abuse, especially when intertwined with addiction, often involves a cycle of idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering (attempts to suck the victim back in). In relationships like the one depicted in the provided messages—where one partner repeatedly blames the other for his drug issues, calls her “psycho,” and conditions love on her submission—the abuser uses emotional manipulation to erode the victim’s self-worth.
Drug addiction amplifies this; addicts commonly lie, deflect responsibility, and manipulate to sustain their habits, often portraying themselves as helpless victims of circumstance rather than accountable for the harm they cause. When institutions like churches get involved, they can unwittingly (or sometimes willfully) perpetuate the abuse by prioritizing “unity” or “forgiveness” over safety, denying the victim’s reality and enabling the abuser’s behavior. This is particularly common in faith communities, where teachings on redemption might be twisted to shield abusers, leaving victims isolated and gaslit.
The result? Victims develop symptoms akin to Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), including anxiety, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of reality from constant invalidation. In the church example, calling police on the victim reinforces her trauma, making her question if she’s the “crazy” one— a hallmark of psychological abuse.
How Narcissists Recruit “Flying Monkeys” to Extend the Abuse
Narcissists don’t abuse in isolation; they enlist others—family, friends, or even institutions like churches—as “flying monkeys” (a term from The Wizard of Oz, referring to the Wicked Witch’s minions) to do their dirty work.
These recruits spread gossip, spy, or harass the victim, all while believing they’re helping a “wronged” person. Recruitment happens through manipulation: The narcissist plays the victim, sharing one-sided stories of “betrayal” or “unfair treatment” to evoke sympathy.
In a church setting, this might involve portraying the abuser as a “struggling soul” needing grace, while smearing the victim as unforgiving or unstable. Flying monkeys often have their own narcissistic traits or vulnerabilities, making them susceptible to the abuser’s charm or shared values like “family unity.”
This extends the abuse: The victim faces not just one abuser but a network, amplifying isolation and trauma. In addiction cases, the church might “enable” under the guise of compassion, ignoring how the abuser manipulates religious narratives (e.g., “forgive 70 times 7”) to avoid accountability. It’s a form of systemic abuse, where the institution becomes complicit.
Painting a False Self: The Narcissist’s Master Illusion
Narcissists excel at curating a public persona that contradicts the evidence of their abuse. They play the victim to deflect blame, insisting “everything happens to me” while refusing responsibility. This “victim mentality” protects their fragile ego and garners support, even as texts or records (like the ones here, showing blame-shifting and name-calling) reveal the truth. In church contexts, they might invoke spirituality—“I’m just a sinner seeking redemption”—to manipulate perceptions, turning evidence of abuse into “misunderstandings.” This DARVO tactic (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) flips the script, making the real victim seem like the aggressor.
Breaking the Cycle: What Can Be Done?
If this resonates, know you’re not alone—or crazy. Seek therapy specializing in narcissistic abuse, document everything, and connect with support networks like domestic violence hotlines. Churches must educate on abuse dynamics, prioritizing victim safety over blind forgiveness. Awareness is key: When institutions enable abusers, they become part of the problem. Let’s demand better—for victims, for healing, for true justice.
#NarcissisticAbuse #FlyingMonkeys #ChurchAbuse #BreakTheCycle
